Innermost Feelings

It's so cute how you love, How your voice cracked because you tried to talk to me, How u change courses just so that u could walk with me, How u change your looks just to make me notice u, How u start suddenly putting on perfume, How u stop in the middle of walking to turn and grab my attention, How u leave everything u're doing just to glance, How u don't mind doing the things u don't usually do so that u can be near me, How u take an extra step just so u could make sure I was there too, How u made a uturn just to see me once again before u leave. (19/3/24) How you made sure to come at the same time to make sure you could see me. MNN

I hate to say it.  But I feel broken. I don't know how to go on if this feeling is forever. I'm scared that I too will hurt the people around me unintentionally.  Some days I do wish for death. Can people really heal? Or is this life was never meant for me?

I know that those things will come when god wants it, not any sooner. But right now, oh Allah I can't help but wishing and wanting for those things to happen to me too. And when it comes it might not come my way. I do feel like I am at least a little prepared for this than ever before. Although I can't be so sure. There is also that feeling of "what if it never comes?". I want it too Ya Allah but if you have other plans for me, I pray Allah that you make it easy for me to accept what you have planned for me. Make this life and the hereafter easy for me Ya Allah. -MNN

The next person I'm going to choose will choose me too!! I'm tired of liking someone who does not feel the same or have enough feelings for me to make the next step. I've had enough!  I'd love to have someone that wants me.  I want someone that wants me now, forever and ever.  Oops, anyway I feel like I should address why my first few posts are melancholic themed. Well, the thing is I make this blog specifically for my highests and my lowests although unfortunately the former hasn't really happened yet. Sorry! Love, MNN.

So, I went to Lexis Penang Suites for one night with my friends despite our busy schedule. And must I say, it is one of the few things that made me happy this year. I saw both sunset and sunrise, ate good food and had a pretty good laugh. The vacation was very much needed. Would absolutely love to come again.   Looking at the ocean somehow felt liberating and made me believe there is more to life. I wanted time to stop for once in my life. It wasn't even because of the people I went with but honestly it was the blue and sometimes red sky before it turns black, the ocean breeze that briefly and swiftly took away my worries and the white sand together with the ocean that both clinged to my feet that somehow made me.. Happy. Love, MNN. ✨

 As of today, (Dec 19) life hasn't been so good to me. Well, its me. Obviously. An overthinker, a loser. I couldn't help but feel and think that I'm not going anywhere. I've been diverting my attention towards things I can control but the things I can't control just won't stop barging in my head. Why am I not worthy of the love that everyone else receives? Why am I stuck where I'm at? Why do I look like this? Why do I feel this way? I just hope all of these feelings will go by soon. I want to be free. Love, MNN.